If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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