sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
