He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
