I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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