Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
And then my night got REAL pukey
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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