Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
