Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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