Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
