after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
