Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
