Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
