____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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