He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
