Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
