i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
ttyl tear gas
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
