i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize