There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
