return my video game
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
