I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
