I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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