So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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