he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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