so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
