so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
