Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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