i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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