I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
