I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
