She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
