We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
God, you're like boner-b-gone
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
