I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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