You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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