On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize