Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
