Jerry, you need to find god
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
