My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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