he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
