Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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