you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
