You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just blew my weed a kiss
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
