You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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