What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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