I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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