My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
