I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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