News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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