I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
