my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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