I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
