she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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