I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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