she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
