you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Houston, we have a squirter
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
