I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize