This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
