my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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