just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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