Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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