Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize