I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
