She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
